Rot

The depth of the sin within me is unmeasurable. I can turn from absorbed in thinking about the Holy Spirit to wanting to destroy my fellow man in a moment. The festering muck in my heart is hidden deep inside, hard to find when I hide it well. Sometimes so well that I am deceived into believing it is mopped up and clean. Only to ooze out or like a volcano explode forth from within as magma under pressure, hot with anger and passion. I then watch the smoldering remains of the destroyed infrastructure shattered under the weight of my sinfulness creak and totter, ready to collapse at any moment. The rot of who I am in the flesh festers like meat in the sun with maggots at work. The stench in the humidity suffocates me as I long to be different. Wishing for a breeze to blow the stink away. It never ends... the things I do. I don't want to do them. No. But although in Christ I do not have to give in to my sin, I so often do, returning to my vomit without explanation. Tears in the corners of my eyes as I consider that I have nothing to offer my king, so good, white against the blackness of my soul. Who am I Lord to even be considered by you? I want to quit, to be taken to be with you but cannot imagine ever being in your presence with the deep, deep depths of filth in my heart. O Lord have mercy on me a sinner. A terrible sinner. Amen