Fix Your Eyes On Jesus

I was in Hawaii over the last two weeks for a time of celebration with my wife of twenty years. In spite of the surroundings and company, I had a three day period of deep despair for reasons that weren't completely clear in my mind. I felt as if God had left me...as if he had hidden himself from me. I looked and called to him but just felt alone. I remember sitting on the couch on the verge of tears thinking-- where are you? What has caused this? My wife, being extremely wise, knows to just leave my alone to think if I am in a funk. And so, in spite of the beach and sunshine, I sat pondering things in sadness. Fortunately, God lifted me out of the miry clay, and I am experiencing him again. After the fact, I think a number of things may have been contributing to my situation. I had been over the two weeks prior to my episode wallowing in discontent over difficulties in personal family relationships. I have been praying for the situation for a long time without much change and I became frustrated. I also had spent too much time meditating on theological questions about God that are unanswerable (Arminianism, Calvinism) instead of spending time listening and worshiping. Finally, I was struggling with feelings of guilt and sadness with my failures as a christian.

So, what did I learn from this experience? The most important thing in my relationship with God is spending time with him listening and worshiping...not necessarily knowing more theology. Discontentment in life is discontentment with God and is a manifestation of me taking my eye off of him. Guilt is a manifestation of unbelief except in cases of ongoing purposeful sin. Believe what God says! He says he will never leave or forsake me. He says my sins are payed for, and I am righteous in his sight.

The Valley

I just returned from two weeks serving the poor half way around the world. Sounds impressive when I type that in. In reality, I benefited more than they did and my motives were at least partially selfish. I wanted to go to spend time with God. On these trips, I usually awake early and spend an hour or two praying, worshiping, meditating and journaling. It is quiet, and I feel very close to God. There is very little to distract me--no phone, internet, news or work (outside of mission activity). Also, there is great christian fellowship with others of the same mindset. This trip was no exception. I was "up on the mountain" with God, encouraged, strengthened and influenced by His presence. I came home physically tired but on fire for Christ. That was 5 days ago.

Since being home, I feel as if a bulldozer has been laid upon my shoulders, and I am laboring to carry it. Life stresses have pressed in and instead of "pressing on into the presence of God (Tozer)," I am juggling hundreds of worries and concerns that draw my mind back into the world. My daughter is having some difficult times, the economy is a mess, my limited retirement savings is disappearing, I am watching my bank account daily to see if I will have the funds to cover expenses. Pretty sinful in my discontent. I have been reading in Jeremiah and thinking....he probably didn't have a "retirement." When he was thrown down in a cistern, he probably had few funds in the "bank." People were constantly against him. Who sustained Jeremiah? The living God. Who is the provider of everything I have? God almighty. My spirit is wrestling with my flesh to let go of all in this world. Not to be irresponsible but to acknowledge God's sovereign power to provide, protect and control in my life. The general question that is recurrently launched into my head is "What if something bad happens?" Well, something bad probably will happen, but God is over and above whatever the problem. He will only allow that which glorifies him and benefits those "who love him and are called according to his purpose (Rom 8:28)." But do I believe him? Do I trust him? Or will I take it all back so that I may have some semblance of conscious control in my life (the fallacy that that is)? "The blessed ones who possess the kingdom are they who have repudiated every external thing and have rooted from their hearts all sense of possessing." (Tozer, Pursuit of God). Lord may I love and worship only you. May I let go of myself and the gifts you have given and seek satisfaction, provision, joy and hope only in you.

The Weight

Felt a heavy weight on me last night brought on by difficulties in life. Nothing big. Just life. I found myself ready to have the Lord take me to be with him. It's a good thing to know I have an inheritance in heaven kept for me. Sometimes the toil of life is just such a burden. My inability to stop sinning. The fact that every day there is someone who is dissatisfied with something pertaining to my actions. Rain. I am better today. God always lifts me out of the mire when I get this way. It's a reminder though that my citizeship is in heaven, not here. I shouldn't expect a world without trouble now. Jesus said I shouldn't. I met with my brothers Jack and Kevin this morning and the fellowship reminded me that there are better things to come and that the Lord loves me so much he died on a cross so that I might spend eternity in with him.

Hebrews 10:24,25
1 Peter chapter 1
John 16:33
Psalm 40:2