I just returned from two weeks serving the poor half way around the world. Sounds impressive when I type that in. In reality, I benefited more than they did and my motives were at least partially selfish. I wanted to go to spend time with God. On these trips, I usually awake early and spend an hour or two praying, worshiping, meditating and journaling. It is quiet, and I feel very close to God. There is very little to distract me--no phone, internet, news or work (outside of mission activity). Also, there is great christian fellowship with others of the same mindset. This trip was no exception. I was "up on the mountain" with God, encouraged, strengthened and influenced by His presence. I came home physically tired but on fire for Christ. That was 5 days ago.
Since being home, I feel as if a bulldozer has been laid upon my shoulders, and I am laboring to carry it. Life stresses have pressed in and instead of "pressing on into the presence of God (Tozer)," I am juggling hundreds of worries and concerns that draw my mind back into the world. My daughter is having some difficult times, the economy is a mess, my limited retirement savings is disappearing, I am watching my bank account daily to see if I will have the funds to cover expenses. Pretty sinful in my discontent. I have been reading in Jeremiah and thinking....he probably didn't have a "retirement." When he was thrown down in a cistern, he probably had few funds in the "bank." People were constantly against him. Who sustained Jeremiah? The living God. Who is the provider of everything I have? God almighty. My spirit is wrestling with my flesh to let go of all in this world. Not to be irresponsible but to acknowledge God's sovereign power to provide, protect and control in my life. The general question that is recurrently launched into my head is "What if something bad happens?" Well, something bad probably will happen, but God is over and above whatever the problem. He will only allow that which glorifies him and benefits those "who love him and are called according to his purpose (Rom 8:28)." But do I believe him? Do I trust him? Or will I take it all back so that I may have some semblance of conscious control in my life (the fallacy that that is)? "The blessed ones who possess the kingdom are they who have repudiated every external thing and have rooted from their hearts all sense of possessing." (Tozer, Pursuit of God). Lord may I love and worship only you. May I let go of myself and the gifts you have given and seek satisfaction, provision, joy and hope only in you.
2 comments:
The man who has God for his treasure has all things in One. Many ordinary treasures may be denied him, or if he is allowed to have them, the enjoyment of them will be so tempered that they will never be necessary to his happiness. Or if he must see them go, one after one, he will scarcely feel a sense of loss, for having the Source of all things he has in One all satisfaction, all pleasure, all delight. Whatever he may lose, he has actually lost nothing, for he now has it all in One, and he has it purely, legitimately and forever.
AW Tozer
Todd Mace
Love and Pain
Manifestations of everlasting scars cover the gashes in the soul that had once been separated. A willing soul that had been ripped apart for a time; not because they wanted to, but because they had to.. for them. The scars will forever be a reminder of the excruciating pain that was a product of the intense love. For without love, there is no pain. - me
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