The Valley

I just returned from two weeks serving the poor half way around the world. Sounds impressive when I type that in. In reality, I benefited more than they did and my motives were at least partially selfish. I wanted to go to spend time with God. On these trips, I usually awake early and spend an hour or two praying, worshiping, meditating and journaling. It is quiet, and I feel very close to God. There is very little to distract me--no phone, internet, news or work (outside of mission activity). Also, there is great christian fellowship with others of the same mindset. This trip was no exception. I was "up on the mountain" with God, encouraged, strengthened and influenced by His presence. I came home physically tired but on fire for Christ. That was 5 days ago.

Since being home, I feel as if a bulldozer has been laid upon my shoulders, and I am laboring to carry it. Life stresses have pressed in and instead of "pressing on into the presence of God (Tozer)," I am juggling hundreds of worries and concerns that draw my mind back into the world. My daughter is having some difficult times, the economy is a mess, my limited retirement savings is disappearing, I am watching my bank account daily to see if I will have the funds to cover expenses. Pretty sinful in my discontent. I have been reading in Jeremiah and thinking....he probably didn't have a "retirement." When he was thrown down in a cistern, he probably had few funds in the "bank." People were constantly against him. Who sustained Jeremiah? The living God. Who is the provider of everything I have? God almighty. My spirit is wrestling with my flesh to let go of all in this world. Not to be irresponsible but to acknowledge God's sovereign power to provide, protect and control in my life. The general question that is recurrently launched into my head is "What if something bad happens?" Well, something bad probably will happen, but God is over and above whatever the problem. He will only allow that which glorifies him and benefits those "who love him and are called according to his purpose (Rom 8:28)." But do I believe him? Do I trust him? Or will I take it all back so that I may have some semblance of conscious control in my life (the fallacy that that is)? "The blessed ones who possess the kingdom are they who have repudiated every external thing and have rooted from their hearts all sense of possessing." (Tozer, Pursuit of God). Lord may I love and worship only you. May I let go of myself and the gifts you have given and seek satisfaction, provision, joy and hope only in you.

Testing.

Psalm 139:23, 24
Search me, and know my heart. Test me, and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.

A friend brought her 3 year old daughter in for me to look in her ear. She was complaining of pain, so my friend stopped in at lunch. I got out my otoscope, and we tried to get the little girl to let me take a look. Now having your inner ear looked at might hurt just slightly. But the exam is necessary to find out what is wrong and then administer appropriate treatment. Well, this three year old was having none of it. She squirmed and cried, not willing to let me stick the tip of the ear speculum into her ear's external canal. Obviously, she was afraid the exam would cause pain, and she didn't trust that I had her best interest at heart.

God examines us (1 Thessalonians 2:4,1 Chronicles 29:17, Psalm 17:3). Whether we want him to or not. Our comfort with that exam is dependent on our trust in him and our degree of faithfulness to his commands. God calls us also to examine ourselves (Galatians 6:4, 2 Corinthians 13:5, 1 Thessalonians 5:21). Our comfort with this exam is based on our faithfullness to God and his commands and our beliefs about who God is and who he is not. We often neglect this examination, because we know we fail to meet God's standards AND are unwilling to change. But, as in Psalm 139:23,24 above, sanctification occurs if we are submitted to God, willing to change and be obedient to his direction. This maybe painful, but it brings glory to God and is ultimately to our benefit.

O that I would not squirm and fight the examination I need from my loving God; that I would not shy away from the treatment I need to mature in my walk with him.