The Valley

I just returned from two weeks serving the poor half way around the world. Sounds impressive when I type that in. In reality, I benefited more than they did and my motives were at least partially selfish. I wanted to go to spend time with God. On these trips, I usually awake early and spend an hour or two praying, worshiping, meditating and journaling. It is quiet, and I feel very close to God. There is very little to distract me--no phone, internet, news or work (outside of mission activity). Also, there is great christian fellowship with others of the same mindset. This trip was no exception. I was "up on the mountain" with God, encouraged, strengthened and influenced by His presence. I came home physically tired but on fire for Christ. That was 5 days ago.

Since being home, I feel as if a bulldozer has been laid upon my shoulders, and I am laboring to carry it. Life stresses have pressed in and instead of "pressing on into the presence of God (Tozer)," I am juggling hundreds of worries and concerns that draw my mind back into the world. My daughter is having some difficult times, the economy is a mess, my limited retirement savings is disappearing, I am watching my bank account daily to see if I will have the funds to cover expenses. Pretty sinful in my discontent. I have been reading in Jeremiah and thinking....he probably didn't have a "retirement." When he was thrown down in a cistern, he probably had few funds in the "bank." People were constantly against him. Who sustained Jeremiah? The living God. Who is the provider of everything I have? God almighty. My spirit is wrestling with my flesh to let go of all in this world. Not to be irresponsible but to acknowledge God's sovereign power to provide, protect and control in my life. The general question that is recurrently launched into my head is "What if something bad happens?" Well, something bad probably will happen, but God is over and above whatever the problem. He will only allow that which glorifies him and benefits those "who love him and are called according to his purpose (Rom 8:28)." But do I believe him? Do I trust him? Or will I take it all back so that I may have some semblance of conscious control in my life (the fallacy that that is)? "The blessed ones who possess the kingdom are they who have repudiated every external thing and have rooted from their hearts all sense of possessing." (Tozer, Pursuit of God). Lord may I love and worship only you. May I let go of myself and the gifts you have given and seek satisfaction, provision, joy and hope only in you.

Chariots

I want control over everything. If something in life is not going in the direction I want it to, I analyze the situation, come up with a plan and do my best to "fix it." I have trouble entrusting things I feel are really important to other people. So, it's easy to worry if there is a problem with my job or family or with finances. I need to to "fix" the situation. I look to my own power for a solution--my mental capacity, physical strength, earning ability, material possessions etc. I worry because I am not in reality powerful or in control . But is this the proper perspective? I am turning to my personal resources to solve the problem, but those resources originate from almighty God. While my resources are finite, his are infinite. He is the giver of my mind, of my strength, of my abilities-including my ability to earn financially, and he is the protector of my reputation. We are called to use the gifts God has given us and to fill the earth and subdue it. But, to think that we actually have achieved anything in this world on our own is laughable. Surrendering all to God is letting go of our will to control situational outcomes in deference to his will, realizing that he cares for us, is all powerful and omniscient. We worry if we trust in the "chariots" of this world rather than the one who controls all things.

Psa 20:7 Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.