I was in Hawaii over the last two weeks for a time of celebration with my wife of twenty years. In spite of the surroundings and company, I had a three day period of deep despair for reasons that weren't completely clear in my mind. I felt as if God had left me...as if he had hidden himself from me. I looked and called to him but just felt alone. I remember sitting on the couch on the verge of tears thinking-- where are you? What has caused this? My wife, being extremely wise, knows to just leave my alone to think if I am in a funk. And so, in spite of the beach and sunshine, I sat pondering things in sadness. Fortunately, God lifted me out of the miry clay, and I am experiencing him again. After the fact, I think a number of things may have been contributing to my situation. I had been over the two weeks prior to my episode wallowing in discontent over difficulties in personal family relationships. I have been praying for the situation for a long time without much change and I became frustrated. I also had spent too much time meditating on theological questions about God that are unanswerable (Arminianism, Calvinism) instead of spending time listening and worshiping. Finally, I was struggling with feelings of guilt and sadness with my failures as a christian.
So, what did I learn from this experience? The most important thing in my relationship with God is spending time with him listening and worshiping...not necessarily knowing more theology. Discontentment in life is discontentment with God and is a manifestation of me taking my eye off of him. Guilt is a manifestation of unbelief except in cases of ongoing purposeful sin. Believe what God says! He says he will never leave or forsake me. He says my sins are payed for, and I am righteous in his sight.
No comments:
Post a Comment